A & E which coincidentally stands for accident and emergency.
if we were to look back, life has to consist of both happy and upset moments, because both are important in shaping our memories and future.... because everything is in terms of relativity. if the past is too peaceful, we are scared of moving ahead as it all seems too dangerous and forboding, but the past doesnt seem too bad at all cos there are happy moments we can look back upon and collectively they cancel out each other, which is the same for practices (i console myself). and either way i never set out to disappoint, so someone please tell me come monday i can actually do something tangible about it. by 7 may 2009 we'll have completed the race, but i can never confidently answer the question of "have we fought a good fight?". it's a state of being lukewarm, and slight apathy and indifference to the time that slips through our fingers. but at the end of it, i still want to be able to tell others that i gave my all, instead of being unable to look at people right in the eye because i disappointed time and again, despite promising, and forcing out the words i tried, i really did... in a futile attempt to convince others and brace ourselves. i hope everyone shares the same sentiments, because that is indeed very saddening. these days i excite myself about playing so fear fades a bit more into the background, and just so that playing, fun, love, music, laughter they slowly piece together and settle like dust and form my precious memory, so when we get the highest honour we can truly be happy, because we know that we haven't lost sight of what is treasured about this orchestra along our pursuit of achievement.
today i actually felt a little sad when all i could do during percussion solo was to experience it vicariously but nonetheless i'm still very proud of them....because while i can't judge how good they are, the sense of satisfaction/achievement the 6 of them had was a culmination of a period of helplessness, meeting idiosyncratic and erratic expectations, infusing expression into a seemingly directionless part, on top of fusing into the orchestra, a period of toil, frustration and experimentation. so anyway stop laughing at me la i have other parts to play what and i don't think i'm that dispensable anyway -_-
anyway mallets jibengong is really quite fun! but IT DOESNT HELP ME IN THE RECENTLY ADDED A AND E ROLL and QIU YONG HUI PLEASE DO NOT DO ANYTHING STUPID WITH THE VIDEOS YOU TOOK OF ME even though i appreciate it alot that you guys love me so much you need a footage of me.
